As all little girls do I grew up with the idea of what I wanted my perfect fairy-tale life to look like. To be honest my dreams never seemed that far-fetched. I simply wanted to be happy. Well of course… who doesn’t want to be happy?! But to me being happy seemed easy. Happiness meant being loved and loving someone with all that I had. Happiness was being surrounded by family and friends and helping other people. I was surrounded by friends who had dreams of being teachers, lawyers, and business professionals, but I could never decide on what I really wanted to be when I grew up. Just ask my college counselors who helped me change my major at least 5 times!
I have always been a romantic. I look for the best in people and ultimately give people way more chances then they deserve. I fall in love quick and hard and stay loyal to the very end.
I ended up falling in love with a boy who was my best friend. He could make me laugh until I cried even on the worst days. I wanted to spend every moment I could with him because it felt like that was where I belonged. I was sure he was my fairy-tale. We dated for 3 years and the day finally came for us to start our lives together. The wedding was a disaster! Everything that could have gone wrong did. The fountain in the foyer overflowed all over the carpet, the flowers didn’t show up until right before the wedding, the men’s suits were 5 sizes too big and the reception food was stolen from the caterer’s vehicle! It was a mess, but we laughed (and cried a little) through it all. It was the happiest day of my life.
Three years into our marriage we found out we were expecting our first baby. It was a huge surprise. We had just moved to Dallas for John’s job and it was stressful. We ended up moving back to Tulsa about month before Jaxon was born. Then 4 months after Jaxon was born I found out that I was pregnant again. We bought our first house and things started feeling like they were coming together. I was happy. Our life definitely had stressful moments but we made it through obstacles that had torn other couples a part. To me John was my rock.
I’m not sure when it all changed. I try to look back and pinpoint the moment in time that I went from being happy to miserable. John started spending more and more time away from home out with his friends while I stayed home and took care of our kids. I was 8 months pregnant with our 3rd child when John sat me down and told me that he didn’t think he loved me anymore and he wanted to spend some time apart. My world came crashing down around me. Not only was my marriage failing but my fairy-tale dream was turning into a nightmare. We went to counseling and got back together about a month later. I tried my hardest to make the marriage work but in January 2014, I asked him to leave. Still doing what I do best I tried giving him more chances to fix what he had broken but it was to no avail and our divorce was finalized in December 2014.
I am now a single mother of 3 kids and I receive little to no help from John. It is hard and honestly I have to fight depression and anxiety on a regular basis. This is not the life I wanted. I never wanted to have to play the mommy and daddy role for my kids. I never wanted to have to wipe away tears from my kid’s eyes from the hurt their dad has caused while fighting back tears of my own. I never wanted to have to lie in bed lonely wondering what I did wrong or what I could have done differently. I never in a million years would have thought that this would be my life.
So why in the world did I write all this out? To tell you my depressing tale or look for sympathy? Absolutely not! I write this because my story is not over. I have hope! Through all of these painful, life experiences I have learned one thing… God is still faithful. I will never forget one night I was a hot mess and God spoke this to my heart, “You feel like you are unable to put your trust and faith in the ones around you. That’s ok. Put your trust in Me. I promise that I will never leave you or forsake you. I am faithful.” It was such a simple message but I realized at that moment that John was never my rock. God is my rock. Some days are still really hard but I am excited about my life and the plans that God has for me! Am I still a romantic? Absolutely. I am looking forward with anticipation to the day of love finding me and I know that it will happen. I believe that God has a love so amazing in store for me that it will cover up the past hurts.
I know there are other single moms out there and you are fighting to make ends meet and to make sure that your children are happy and taken care of. The reason I wrote this is for you. Don’t give up hope. Focus on what really matters in this moment. It is so easy to get wrapped up in all the things you can’t do right now and I am so guilty of this. It’s also too easy to feel resentment and hatred toward the person that left and acts like they don’t have any responsibilities. But in all actuality these feelings do nothing but drag you down. Give your fears and anxieties to God and let Him carry that burden for you. Hold on because great things are coming! I totally believe it!!
Psalm 18:1-3
1 I love you, Lord, my strength.
2 The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield[b] and the horn[c] of my salvation, my stronghold.
3 I called to the Lord, who is worthy of praise,
and I have been saved from my enemies.
Proverbs 3:5-6
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Philippians 4:19
19 And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.”
mylovelypinklife 